• 0
    #174286
    Profile photo of Sen Perfect
    Sen Perfect
    Participant

    There aren’t many certainties in life. Some people always manage to weasel out of paying taxes, without being caught; and nearly everyone knows a person they can’t stand who just refuses to die.

    There are a few things that you can always count on though, things you can make book on. For whatever good they may do for you, aside from, I hope, causing you to laugh, here they are:

    · Whenever you visit the house of the cleanest people you know, even though the place is cleaner than an operating room, they will always say, “We’re sorry the house is such a mess.”

    · If a flashlight or searchlight is in use in a movie, it will be shined into the camera lens, effectively blinding the viewers.

    · Even though it is impossible, people will always say, “I’m going to make some eggs.”

    · The expression, “It’s about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle,” will never go out of style.

    · If a long-term married couple, say 25 or 30 years, splits up, someone will always remark, “I knew it wouldn’t last.”

    · There will be a sale going on, every day, in every furniture store in existence.

    · Every time you are waiting for an important phone call, you will receive a call from a telemarketer, or someone will dial your number in error.

    · Blatantly drunk drivers, when asked by a cop if they were drinking, will answer, “I had a beer or two.”

    · All independent pizza parlors will display a sign that reads, “Best Pizza In Town.”

    · The driver’s side windshield wiper will be the one that streaks, and always in your line of sight.

    · Radio station D.J.’s will consume 56 minutes of an hour of commercial free time announcing that you’re listening to an hour of commercial free time.

    · The rich will always comfort the poor by informing them that possessing great wealth is a big responsibility.

    · NASCAR drivers will talk as fast as they drive.

    · McDonald’s will always stop serving breakfast an hour too soon.

    · At least once a year a spokesperson for Cuba will threaten to have their army kick our ass.

    · Super Models will continue to elicit sympathy by saying that they work hard for their 20 thousand per hour.

    · Scientists will never determine for certain if Vitamin C is good for us or is useless.

    · Every year N A S A will insist that sentient life exists only on Earth, and then ask Congress for 100 billion dollars for their search for extraterrestrial life.

    · Corporations will continue to announce huge losses, thousands of worker layoffs, and a 100% pay increase to the CEO, all in the same sentence.

    · Pharmaceuticals that cause impotency will be said to cause “certain sexual side effects.”

    · People will say “silicon implants” and “Silicone Valley.”

    · Three days after the event is over, TV news-people will still refer to the story as “breaking news.”

    · Despite the well-publicized fact that professional wrestling is choreographed, a hard-core cadre of true believers will insist that it is unrehearsed.

    · No matter the length of a new car’s warranty, even if it is for 100 years or one million miles, bumper to bumper, no exclusions, the salesperson will attempt to sell you an extended warranty.

    · You cannot buy carpet without being offered upgraded padding.

    · All the other drivers on the road will be driving either too fast or too slow, depending on whether they are in back, or in front of you.

    · Everyday, dozens of well known, nationally syndicated, long term, over the top, extreme right-wing Conservative radio and TV talk show hosts will complain for hours to their audiences that Liberals control the media.

    · The anti-gun crowd will always insist that confiscating the target shooters and hunter’s guns will eliminate crime.

    · You can buy essays online for college or write it by yourself.

    · The people you like will move away but the neighborhood troublemakers won’t move until the day after you move.

    · When you tell a salesperson that you can’t afford something the response will be to put it on your credit card.

    · Social Security cards despite having “Not to be used for identification,” printed on them, will always be demanded as identification.

    · Person’s who can’t find jobs will be told by others to try computers.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Skip to toolbar