“Brooklyn 11223” doesn’t live up to the hype

Brooklyn 11223 is the new Russian Dolls. No, that’s not a compliment.

If you missed last year’s dull Dolls, following Brighton Beach’s wannabe beauty queens as they drank and partied and partied and drank, rest assured that you didn’t miss much. The same can be said if you fail to catch the premiere of Brooklyn 11 – what the heck is this dumb thing called? on March 26 at 11 p.m. on Oxygen. But don’t worry, you won’t miss out. I suffered through the series’ tedious first episode so you don’t have to!

This latest lowbrow reality show is clearly trying to capitalize on the success of MTV’s mega hit Jersey Shore by incorporating the same drunken debauchery, dimwitted dramatics and bizarre blowouts – and no, I’m not talking about Pauly D’s dated superglue hairstyle.

With lines like, The only way you’re gonna get through this night is Jameson, this rip-off show is destined for greatness! Or not.

Before you call me an elitist who watches MSNBC all day every day, let me reveal that I enjoy a good raunchy reality program. But unfortunately, Brooklyn…blah blah blah (I refuse to continue typing the show’s title because it’s completely idiotic) is unoriginal and borrows key plot points from more entertaining reality shows.

For instance, the gals, who are in their early 20s and hail from Gravesend, Bergen Beach and Gerritsen Beach, enjoy chugging Coronas in the afternoon (Jersey Shore), behave like hot-tempered lunatics who launch into obscene tirades (Mob Wives), and debate the chewiness of crab versus lobster meat (recall that tuna fish-loving Jessica Simpson on Newlyweds).

The cast even has an Angelina, who gets in hot water for gossiping about a pal’s boyfriend. Um, didn’t we see that when Snooki brought her orange glow to Miami?

The so-called substance of the show is found in the feud between former besties Christie and Joey Lynn. According to trashy Bay Ridge folklore, Joey Lynn had sex with Christie’s boyfriend, Roberto. You don’t say?

Apparently, Christie’s pain was so extreme (the chick has an ulcer!) that her group of extension-wearing girlfriends chose sides in the epic battle of the Joey Lynn Crew vs. the Christie Crew. This is sure to climax with a scene straight out of Michael Jackson’s knife-wielding Bad music video. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

Like many other reality shows, Brooklyn – this is definitely not the new 90210 reeks of producer-created fake drama. Prime example – the rival crews somehow end up within five feet of each other on a crowded local beach.

What could possibly happen when these girls accidentally bump into each other on the same exact day at the same exact time at the same exact spot on the same exact beach? Just what you would think – a heated staring contest quickly becomes a near fistfight.

After the confrontation, the crews go their separate ways but they both reach the same conclusion about how to best deal with the situation. They decide that an afternoon of heavy drinking would make all their problems disappear. At least they agree on something.

Forgive me for sounding negative. I must admit that there is one truly authentic scene in the first episode of Brooklyn…enter random zip code here. That moment comes in the opening credits when the Home Reporter‘s Third Avenue office makes a cameo during a fast-paced tour of Bay Ridge. Now that’s Brooklyn representing!